splintered

It has been a week since your services. So tonight Charlotte and I went through all the letters..those tangible expressions of love. I waited since it was the final part of that day..that beautifully tragic day.

The death of your child.

Its splinters and rips at all areas of our lives. Changes so much of who we once were…

Traditionally Tony is the homebody. And I am on the go. Normally I like noise and people. Tony is more subdued and likes his life that way also.

Then our daughter died…

Today I took my first non cemetery or funeral parlor trip out of the house in town. Starbucks. Tony and Charlotte were waiting in the car, Jonathan at school. If I hadn’t had Nicholas with me I think I would have ran back out. I felt that familiar feeling…blood pounding in my ears…

But I had him with me…even had a conversation or two…although no idea what I said. Then we dropped him off at our friends house. And headed back to the cemetery.

We found the general area we want to bury our daughter….our forever 6 year old daughter. I think she will really stay 6 in heaven. Its been interesting to think about and hear about all the possibilities …

Tony wanted…needed..to pick our her actual plot today..I guess I should say our actual plot since all 3 of us will eventually be buried there. I call dibs on being buried first by the way.

crap…or next I guess…

But we didn’t know which exact spots are open in the area we liked.

…rip.

It mattered to Tony. A lot. That we pick a spot today. Check something off the list.

It mattered to me. A lot. That I pick the right spot so I had to know the exact open spaces.

We dug in. Both of us. Invested by our grief in this battle. So in the rain we yelled and we tore into each other…

splintered.

I mean who could we have been bothering right?

But heres the kicker. Here is where death turns you upside down. We didn’t solve it. We got in the car and drove away. In silence.

A change from who we have always been. A couple to come together and work it out…right then. Communication being our best attribute as a couple. When we looked back at all the struggles we had to become parents…We always have said its what has helped us be better parents. But I am realizing now thats not the whole story. That time was also preparation for this time.

This living breathing…all consuming nightmare….ripping apart who we have been.

We came home and and separated. I followed my body’s desire. I changed and went for a run (ok jog) in the cold pouring rain. I cried. I sobbed. But my feet kept moving. I thought of so much about her. How much I used to take her on morning runs with me. Never in rain like this. But often in the mist of the morning. All bundled up in her pink beanie and layers of blankets.

I miss you baby. My first and only running buddy.

I thought about what I will call a run I plan to do in her honor…I even thought of the tag line for it.

And I wailed. Luckily in the weather I was the only one on the levy so I could, as Elsa would say…let it go.

I cannot say I am totally sure what Tony did. My best guess is he cried on the couch. We went to get our boys. And somehow moved past and through it. Separately to come back together. Another huge change for us. To not need to talk it out.

Later today I talked with another mother, 11 years my “bereaved senior”, and she unknowingly put a name to this newly acquired skill of ours..

grace.

We have just automatically settled into this new way of dealing with….

and loving

each other.

Splintered but not broken.