… thats my current. My right now, this very moment feeling. I had Tony take the boys to out of the house because I feel like I want to rip the house apart.
I went for a run this morning. Good run with good music playing in my ears. I got home and stopped into her room and cried.. those tears seemed to welcome in the overwhelming anger.
I am mad at my “to do” list. So much to get done.. to get accomplished. Little and big things.
Yesterday we went to the Discovery Museum in San Jose. At one point my eyes looked at the sea of people ..I wanted to stand up on a box and get everybody’s attention.. to yell
“you have no idea the threat…the danger our children are in. Pediatric cancer is real and horrific. It stole my daughter. Please.. together lets do something.”
I felt a burning desire to do something.. to truly make a difference and an impact. I was inspired.
I told Tony about it. That that feeling is why I have to do something ..
It was a great day. Charlotte laughed and played in the water.
The boys got to be physical and problem solvers.
I know what a difference I need to make… the difference that can be made. And the yesterday me felt really good about it. Ready for it. On top of it..
We went to group in the evening and talked about living in the present. The immediate. The right now.
That me.. the this minute me. ..
I miss my daughter.
I doubt myself and the crushing amount that needs to be done to fight this beast of pediatric cancer.. lack of funding and awareness… so many amazing organizations are already out there.. what can I truly bring to the table.
Its been 7 weeks . 1 month 21 days. 49 days.
I want her back. My right now is exploding frustration. A desire to throw a chair into the wall… to find somebody to blame.
.. to change our path.. her destiny.
to not be counting the days since I last felt her heart beat …
or the days til I see her again.
Pressure. to do right and be right.
.. a good friend, wife, mother. A good daughter and sister.. and blogger and non-profit founder.
.. many balls up in the air I feel like I cant juggle them all. So I want to take them and throw them. Feel their weight in my hand and release them
. .. straight into a wall. Maybe somebody’s face. That mystery person I want to find thats to blame for all of this.
I don’t. I can’t. So I run. And I write.. then I will clean or look up things for the non-profit. Obsessively. I feel a drive to do both when I am done with this. I wish I could write while I clean…
my mind is going a million miles a minute right now. As I write I think… hmm maybe there is a fundraiser idea in that..so I pause and write it in my notes.
jello no more.
today I am lava.. hot. destructive. movement. flowing.
Too many thoughts to keep anything centered or straight.
Maybe thats whats so hard for me.. I am impatient. I want to be actively making a difference. Not in the set up phase. I want to know how this is all going to pan out. How we are going to make it through and adjust to the is new world we have been forced to live in…
one child down.
No control. None.
Not over how long it takes to get the non profit established. Not over how my husband or kids are dealing with this.
or my current cycle of undeniable rage.
No control over keeping my baby safe.
Its a utterly helpless feeling. Helpless makes me angry.
I am angry.