counting

Another day…another layer of grief. Everything  seems to bring the tears now. I have no energy. No drive. The little bit of life I feel goes directly to the kids. Truthfully mostly Jonathan.  I am so thankful Tony is still home. I don’t think I could manage without him.

 

I said I was preparing for  how hard the re-building would be…I had NO IDEA ..I feel like this new life just doesn’t fit right. Like the the tag is still attached to my new shirt and I can’t seem to find it to rip it off. Something is always off…I am always on the verge of losing it.

I feel completely gutted…

 

 

Nicholas doesn’t get sad talking about sissy, he is only 2. But I still think something in penetrating for him. (he is the one with the balloon in yesterdays post) He had his cousin write that for him and he was yelling at the top of his “I love you sissy, I love you sissy” so the cousin just kept writing it.  And randomly he will talk about her. He had glow bracelets and gave them out to each of us. The green one he was keeping for sissy until she woke up. I hope I’m not doing him a disservice…

 

So much of my attention goes to Jonathan. We put up those pictures I had promised him today. We had friends over at the same time. I could see him festering and brewing when we were in the play room. I just scooped him up and carried him back to his room and held him in the dark. It seemed to help.

I keep telling him I am sad or angry too…and that he doesn’t have to take care of mommy. He is my little man after all so he wants to fix it. I spend time with them. I try to be a good mom

 

 

But I am just faking it. The minute they are gone and I am alone or just with Charlotte the sad quickly climbs up and overtakes me.

My goal…

my forever life goal from all of this is to turn one no a day, into a yes.

Todays was sitting down right then and opening and doing the craft that Nicholas was gifted this afternoon. I wasn’t really in the mood and it seemed like “a lot of work” but I did it. And I got a phone call during it but didn’t take it.

Yes.

It should have been a great memory with them. A pat on the back job well done…

I had to turn away a few times during it to wipe away tears. I wish I had done this more with her..I wish her death wasn’t the reason for me to make such a simple goal.

One no into a yes a day.

She would have loved to make the silly crafts with us….

I don’t think I loved her more than them.

I wrote that she would take a piece of me. I just didn’t think it would be so much of me. I really feel like there is none of me left. Just a shell…going through the motions..

of life.

I dont want to be such a taker. When am I going to care about the good or bad going on in other peoples lives. Right now just auto piloting with my boys and Charlotte takes everything I have…and all my reserves.

…and I thought caring for a dying child was hard! Trying to live in the aftermath..of cancers destruction…for me..its beyond and its terrifying. Will this be me for the next year? 18  months? forever?

Will people stick around? I don’t know if I could ….I mean c’mon its me and I dont even wanna stick around!

How can one child leave such a big void in my life…that my living children cannot begin to fill? Its not fair..

I love them. So much  .. but then why does she consume me?

Unrelenting.

Even with their smiling loving faces right in front of me. So many people are saying how our story has changed them. That they are savoring moments more…

Why aren’t I?

I am so scared I am losing my glory years with them too. These are my years…the ones I yearned for in our rough road to parenthood…soon they will be Tonys years and then their friends and their own…

I dont want to look back and regret that I was loving them through a tear stained fog. I don’t want to look back with regrets…So I force it. And I think they are absorbing it well and thriving with it. But I’m not.

Tucking Jonathan in tonight…in our new tradition I lay with him and we talk.. And we just make sure to be touching each other..In the dark underneath projected stars..I’m trying.

Nicholas and I play catch…or kick a ball…And I hold his hand and sit with him on my lap…I’m trying.

Charlotte bares the brunt of it. She hears and feels me cry. Luckily she seems to like it…I think it sounds and feels a lot like laughter to her. Maybe all a 9 month old knows is strength of emotion…happy or sad..so they run together…But I do try to take the time to tickle her and look her in the eyes and talk happy talk. I’m…well…I’m kinda trying..

I feel like as a mom to a dead child I should enjoy/laugh/cherish more.

I don’t.

This is my truth right now. Its hard to write. Its hard to put out there. It feels like a betrayal to all 4 of my kids…

I can’t stop the yearn for her.

and I don’t want them to ever suffer in the shadow of their dead sister.

How the hell am I supposed to rebuild this family? I thought we would do trips together…and really spend time and grow together.

…all I want to do is lay in bed. missing her mischievous smile.

…counting down the days til I die.

Oh my poor babies.