dreams vs nightmares

I am a jumble of stuff.. of emotions.. of thoughts..

Today I said to a friend “…taking care of 4 young kids.. ” then I stopped myself. I had to brace myself. Grip the edge of the kitchen counter to keep from doing what I wanted to do.. what my body was trying to do.

crumble

And then my friend said “you are. You are completely still a mom of 4 young kids.” And so we talked about it. How in so many ways my mind and heart are overcome with her more now than they were when she was alive.

I fear sleep now. I had my second dream of her that I remember. ..

dream.. i wish

I so desperately want her to come to me in my dreams. But not like this.. I want her freed from the nightmare images. I want her different than the ones I can’t erase from right after she died. .. and now this.

I woke up and it was so clear.  Her suffering .. not able to see peoples faces. . Scared.

asking me to help her.

I want to connect with her.. But not like this.

I don’t think that it was as Jonathan says “the real her”. But that doesn’t seem to really make a difference to how I feel.. I couldn’t save her even in my dreams. And I don’t want to go back there again.

Only 2 times I can remember dreaming of her, both horrible nightmares. So I stay up and find things to do to keep me busy. Last night I remembered that there is a “other” box on FB.. I went back and answered messages from before she died. I know I can’t keep this up.. but I am just so scared to see her again.. like that.

…all my worst fears …

please don’t let it be true.

consuming me at night and I can’t do anything about it.

I know its not her. . . But I am so scared.

I believe she is happy and free. .. But I am scared

I have faith .. in God and heaven.. But I am scared.

I am really and truly just so scared.

 

…Until there is a cure…