easter
Today was Charlottes first Easter.. also our first without Jennifer. Somehow I didn’t make that connection until I was nursing her before bed tonight. .
She should have been here to help her baby sister explore her first basket.. . The boys did a great job. They adore their baby sister and it really makes me proud of them.
I miss her face in the picture.. in the moment .. in the memory.
I went for a run this morning. I cried and thought of her. Right after I had a sign of her.. strong enough it brought me to my knees in the front yard…In the moment.. I believe it.. I think its real.. but then I worry I am just looking for it.. .
Came in and we all went for a family walk. Jonathan struggled. A lot..through out the morning. My heart hurts for him… I live his pain.. but I am lucky enough to be able to understand it.. he can’t. Its simply too much for his still 4yr old mind. That has got to be so hard for him.
I cried a few times on the walk. Nicholas worked as hard as he could to cheer me up.. trying so hard to be a goof ball to crack us up.
All morning I was trying to figure out what jewelry to wear.. I knew there was something that would feel right. I wore a few different things.. nothing seemed quite right. Right before we left I went into her room. I found it. A necklace her cousin gave to all the other girl cousins.. I think its what Jennifer would have chosen to wear today.. So I wore it for her. This niece of mine is away at college so it symbolized her too .. .
We went to my parents and did a Easter egg hunt. Again out in the front yard I had a sign of her. The hunt went well.. as it started I began to lose it. .. literally just for a moment.. but then I swallowed it.. Trying my best to be the mom my 3 youngest deserve. I think I did ok. 
Lots of the kids went in the pool. Jonathan is like me.. not much of a water lover. .. so he stayed out.. Some how I could tell something was off and asked him.. We had talked before coming about options if we needed a break.. if it got to be too much for me.. or him or Daddy. He said he wanted to go for a walk.. just us. So we snuck out the side gate and had a great walk. I shared with him the sign of her I saw in my parents front yard..its our little secret. He likes a good secret just like Jennifer did.
We talked about sissy and how butterflies and dragonflies start one way and change.. just like Jennifer did..The boys 
LOVED the butterfly kit.. I think it will be a good learning tool about life… death … and afterlife for them.
We also talked about all sorts of non-sissy things. ..
holding hands the entire way .
Mother and son. Me and my new eldest. A child that I share an incredible connection with.. .
Later on I went upstairs to tell the kids we were going to watch a video. (more on that later) .. I opened the door into the kids bedroom (the ones they sleep in on overnights) I found him.. alone on the top bunk crying.. He couldn’t really explain why. He did say he got his feelings hurt.. and we talked about how to find a solution.
I am grateful I stumbled upon him.
At the end of the evening a few shirtless boys asked for a dance party. We laughed and cheered them on.. Then I got to pick a song.. I chose poker face… . which was a song she really liked. … I jumped up and got in on the dance party. Charlotte was the only girl. So many boys. I thought about how much Jennifer would have liked this.. how she would have danced and thrown her head back laughing. .. .
I was wearing a necklace with her picture on it.. trying to keep her with us. It was the perfect ending.. to a imperfect day.
The video I talked about was made earlier this morning by me and Jonathan. I had made a photo book of easter pictures of Jennifer.. but didn’t order it in time. We look at the pictures and decided to make a slideshow. We wanted music .. so I gave him a bunch of choices.. he was very firm that this was the song..
I think he was right
Love you and miss you Jennifer Lynn.
One easter down.. +/- 50 to go. ..
