evolving

Another holiday looming.

..without her.

But its the first year .. so I know people will care. I know they will notice me and try to be extra gentle.. I am thankful for that.. but so fearful for years to come.

I think the horrifying truth is hitting me..

Its never going to get better. Never going to get easier. I will just adjust to it. I look at pictures of her in the time when knew she had cancer. How well she just automatically compensated for her weakness on her right side.. 

I guess I will eventually just do that.be able to function and get through a day without a onslaught of tears. I will be able to learn to live with a huge piece of what make me who I am missing..

but I will forever be compensating.

I am starting to feel such a pull inward again.. Getting back to a place that I hate leaving my house. I don’t feel comfortable around most people..

and my tears that used to elude me when other were around are starting to appear constantly. ..

my grief is evolving .. but not improving.

During our bedtime routine.. the one where baby Charlotte says goodnight to the only big sister she will ever really know.. the 2 dimensional one.. I talked about how this was our first 4th of July without her.. first of many.. many more to come. And just that thought is such a shock to my system its hard to handle.

Jennifer was our first.. She gave me the greatest gift… motherhood.

So much of what we did and how we did it revolved around her. She loved the 4th. and all the festivities that go with it. I wasn’t at all  sure until I was opening my computer to do this blog  if we would do our usual 4th plans. But then I saw one of the things I have come to believe is a sign from her while texting Tony (who went to bed so I could write) about it.  So I told him we will go..

To my brothers for our usual.. parade then hot dog eating contest and water slides. ..just packing a bag for only 3 kids took me down. Had me so broken that the only emotion that came out was anger. ..

Packing their swimsuits without telling them any plans because I am never sure I can make it makes me mad. Because I just want to tell Tony to get us all in the car and drive.. drive us away from all this heartache and misery..

but he can’t. We are that heartache and misery.. And we will be every damned year .

I was mad because they don’t even like the water… or even the parade really.. not the boys kinda thing.

But it was hers.

So even though we always considered not going.. not waking up early to drive to San Jose.. we always did for her.

I miss her so much. words always fail me when I try to explain how devastating losing my daughter has been… how devastating it is actually ..

all I know is it is so much worse than I ever imagined it would be.

… until there is a cure..