Fathers day morning

Heavenly mothers day worked well for me today.. but heavenly fathers day sticks in my throat.  I haven’t figured out yet what I want to say to my husband.. what settles well. So far looking him in the eyes and just saying happy fathers day seems to convey all the emotions I am feeling.

He is my perfect husband. The only partner I could imagine on this ride. He is a the daddy I always wanted for my kids.. in happiness and joy… in grief and loss..

In her life and in her death. ..

For this man of mine I am eternally grateful.

 

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My last blog was hard and gritty. I know it was scary for others to read. But here is the take away from it all. ..

I will never do something to hurt myself. I can’t wait til my time comes.. but I also know I cannot force it to come early. Jennifer never gave up… she let go and for that I am proud of her.. but she never gave up. I won’t either. And if for no other reason (though I have several) I have doubts that I would see her again .. and I am just not willing to take that chance.

Even in my darkest moments… I have never given serious consideration to hurting myself. Though for the first time in my life I can understand why people would. My mind works in pictures not words.. so when I wish I was dead its in a picture.. when I think about flying I actually visualize it. .. its just how my mind works. When I write.. I put words to the pictures in my head.

I see a counselor … I talk with my husband and I have people in my life that when they are worried about me talk to me about it

… and I truly believe I have a little girl looking out for me.. she sent my sister to me the day I needed her the most on this journey… and she continues to send the right person at the right time.

For this daughter of mine I am eternally grateful.