my heaven

Sometimes memories surprise me.. coming out of nowhere.. and sometimes they haunt me and I cannot let them go.

The other day I was driving to the post office,  I realized I was on the drive I took daily to take her to kindergarten. . I used to go straight at the corner to get to her school… this time though I turned right to get to the post office to open a po box for a company I never wanted to start. Its right across the street from where her remains are now.. Just waiting for us to get her to bury her. I imagined running across the street and barreling through the door.. screaming her name.

I thought a lot about her Make A Wish trip and the guilt I have attached to it. How I feel like maybe she would have chosen something different. I helped them shape the trip. She loved her family and would want all of us together.. and she loved Disney and especially loved how she could easily eat gluten free safely there. So that was our trip.. a wonderful and foreshadowing week in DisneyWorld.

She was gone so quickly after it. I remember the night before we left realizing that she was having trouble swallowing.. I remember the worry I pushed aside writing this post. . I am struggling against the sometimes consuming guilt wondering if she would have chosen something different..

I guess I will never know.. One thing I know for certain though is she would have had us all together. She loved being our daughter and loved being their big sister.

I look at so many picture at night after I write this blog. So many thoughts come up.. The other night I looked at how happy she was in her Daddy’s arms.. at peace with a pure unbridled joy..I can’t help but think.. she’s in a better place ?!?!?.  She was so completely comfortable in that moment with him.. She felt safe and carefree. She WAS safe and carefree. I look at those picture and can’t help but think that we are her heaven. .we are her perfect place..

or maybe thats just me..

maybe its just that she is a piece of my heaven ..My perfect has all my kids in it.

I used to love to bake, love to take all these separate ingredients.. mix together, then bake and create something brand new and delicious. Making something that is now impossible to tell each of those separate ingredients apart..                                            complete.

Those four each a separate ingredient .. combined to create us.

Somehow though she was taken. What I thought was impossible…                                                                                                           possible.

destroying what we had created.. and taking a little bit of all of us with her.

 

…until there is a cure …