real

It doesn’t seem real at all.  It feels like she is just sleeping. . .or hanging out at my parents house. I was so constantly busy taking care of her since Oct28th I keep feeling like I am forgetting to do something.

I’m not. She doesn’t need me anymore. . .quite the opposite. I so desperately need her.

but I am so busy with planning that I don’t have time to miss her. Its a cruel twist I think. Because in 1.5 weeks. When all of the hoopla has faded. The realization and truth is going to hit me again. And I fear it might be even worse. We won’t be getting daily visits from family to just sit and be. To help wrangle the boys with us. We will just be supposed to try to start living again.

This is seriously so backwards. NOW is the time we should be just living and breathing. And once we get that started we can find time and space to plan things the way we want them. Today I was busy. . lost in pictures and memories. Pulled out only to think about more details for her services next week.

It doesn’t seem real . .but then it hits me. I start to type a text to my sister in law . . about all the kids. .being home.

. . no wait .

Its not all the kids. It will never ever again be all the kids.

Ok all 3 kids. .

no still not right.

So I just settled on our kids. Because Jennifer would love to see them play.

I think I will continue to say I have 4 children. Just one will forever be 6. Frozen in time. . .in memory.

We haven’t changed a thing here. Vomit bags all over and even her POLST on the fridge. Our orders for letting her die the way we thought she would most want.

We did that. I’m glad. I’m glad it was here.

But now I still can’t imagine leaving. Better get it together soon though services are in less than a week. . .and we aren’t having it in my tv room. And the walls are closing in on me here. I just realized its not the whole house thats my safe haven anymore. I cant even look into the dance room. . .where our beloved snuggle couch is. Where all of her blankets still are.

And I touched the door to her room this morning and my ears felt full and my breathe started to choke me. I didn’t even bother trying to open the door.

crap.

I did write my private post. About our last sacred 24 hours. It helped me some. And I am thankful I will have it forever when I need to remember.

. . to help other families.  And to keep the fire going to honor her memory.

Not even sure whats on the checklist for tomorrow. . . but it will come to me. Swallow me during the day. . until the night and quiet comes and sorrow takes hold.