weight

This morning I did not want to get out of bed…I felt too heavy to move.

I am lucky. Tony got up with the kids and let me lay in bed a bit longer. I think I might have stayed in bed all day..but we had art therepy coming over for our boys. Currently its mostly useful for Jonathan I think…but it helps him to have Nicholas involved…he opens up to strangers faster. I also think long term it will be good for Nicholas to look back and see he was involved and talk about what he did and help him make up memories.

He is 2. I know he wont have memories of his own. But my hope is with the conversations we have about her…the pictures and videos…our memories will become his. Like the first time she held him. She knew exactly how to do it and taught Jonathan.

Jonathan was difficult from the start this morning. And Tony woke up hurting too…not the best combo. We watched her slideshow last night. And cried…and remembered and longed for her. It wasn’t fun…but it was right for us to not just keep waiting on it. We needed to have that time…probably a few more times before watching with the kids. My hope is we watch it over and over again for the rest of our lives.

I got up around 9 before the art therapy ladies got here. I am so glad I was up for it. Just to watch them create and listen to them talk. They glued shells and marbles and cut out pictures of memories and significant things to them, with sissy. I hope they let me hang them in the playroom so we can see them all the time.

The best part of the pictures Jonathan put up in the boys room is the one he put on the floor. Its leaning up against the wall right when you walk in on the floor. He is very particular about it and that its in the exact right spot. Its like she greets us when we walk in there.

 

Since today was total sad day for me and Tony we had a friend take the boys. Tony went outside to work and clean. Then run errands. I got the baby to sleep and went to her room.

I decided to light a candle and tidy it up.

The door has been closed since she died. I think Jonathan wanted it open…I think maybe I do too. But Tony needed it nice looking. The bed made…toys where they belong. I cried as I worked…no surprise there. Then I realized this was the last time I would be cleaning it up for her. Organizing all of her things. That realization did surprise me…

I opened a drawer to look at her clothes. It was too much.

Then my phone rang. My sister. I almost didn’t answer…I always answer when she calls. But in that moment my hurt was so pronounced I wasn’t sure I could. I did and she was calling from my front door. I almost didn’t make it to the door. I opened it with knees buckling.. the weight of my sorrow.

…I never asked why she showed up today. oh..

..oh. . maybe my Jennifer sent her?

I found little treasures along the way. Now its a place we can all go into if we want…especially for reading books. I took the book basket my book club gave me filled with books for her and I put it in her room.

Jonathan has been mostly picking all of her “girl” books for me to read to him lately. Now he has a place to go get them and keep them and read them.

Tonight it was his turn to set the table. He got out plates and handed them to me and said who they were for. ..

“Jennifer”

I did the same thing last night. Looking through pictures to put on the blog I came across one with a cute hairstyle I hadn’t done on her for a long time…I smiled thinking I should do that again for her..

…then I stopped smiling. I think I even gagged a little on the truth.

He couldn’t come back from it. He was just broken at that point. I ended up scooping him up after plating everybody’s food…I wasn’t even sure what I was going to do other than hold him as he struck at me…its his way of trying to release the pressure that builds for him..that at 4 he isn’t supposed to have and doesn’t yet have the tools to deal with it.

Jonathan has always been an intense little creature. Loves intense and hurts intense. His feelings manifest loudly and physically. Deep hugs and swinging anger. The potential depth of his hurt…well it scares me…I am so thankful that we had, before Jennifer got sick,  been getting help..somebody for him to talk to…but more-so somebody who helped us be better parents to him.

Something to be thankful for. Because it certainly made a difference. I hope it will again. We are looking into groups for us as parents and for the boys. And couple or individual therapy for me and Tony…first appointment monday.

A parent isn’t supposed to lose a child. Its simply unnatural. But a little boy isn’t supposed to know this depth of sorrow so intimately…Its upside down.

I ended up carrying him to Jennifer’s room. He loved it. We sat and read a book right then. I told him he can go in there whenever he wants or needs to. Its her room…yes…but its our room now too…

I told him how much I cried today getting it looking nice. We talked rules for being in there and thats its only for us…so then we practiced what to do if friends want to go in there.

At dinner we talked about our highs and lows for the day. His low…

missing sissy.

Incredible this boy of ours. Able in that moment to bravely verbalize the weight he is also struggling under. .

…a dead sister is a heavy burden to carry around.

After his bath he went back in her room…upset about something….

but I think he just needed to cry.

I get it…her room is a safe place…Just like she was a safe place. Its not just a glorification of her now that she is gone. She was always like that. So many of my pictures of my kids together she is hugging them…or arms around them. Always protecting…

Maybe I will talk to him about that tomorrow. How she loved and took care of him here….that she can still do that now..Just in a different way.

In the end she did the same for us. Reaching for us to comfort and protect us. Both of these photos she moved with great effort…to touch…heal…love us.

 

This morning I woke up…Hurting. Broken. Feeling so sorry for myself. I cried for my loss all day long.

…that is until I was witness to the loss of my 4yr old. ..the hefty weight of his pain.

Tonight I cry for him…