winning

Rarely do I type and erase.. but tonight I have been .. I’m not sure what exactly is holding me back.. I guess mostly fear of being judged.. or misunderstood. But as I start to think about the words that want to come.. I cry.. so I will share my truth.

Sometimes its hard to accept the good being done for us… since it means the worst has happened to us. And I just don’t want it to be true. I shared on friday that Wes from Coast Range wore a Unravel / love 4 jlk shirt the first day of the CrossFit games. It meant a lot to me..At first it was mostly just excited and touched .. but then it hit me yesterday.. The why. The why of all of this ..

because my daughter is dead.

and I am so sad. I don’t want it.. I would trade it all for her.. And I feel horrible crying about all the wonderful things that have happened for us.. the gifts we are still getting in the mail from strangers.. and wanting so desperately for it not to be happening..

And here is where I sound crazy.. and self absorbed beyond belief. Actually when I talked to Tony about it today he said I shouldn’t share.. but its such a big piece of my right now.. something I feel like I may want to remember in 5 yrs ..

I went for a run this morning and I talked to her. I told her about Wes.. about what he is doing .. I said maybe she could go help him.. that I don’t know what its like for her or if she can do that sort of thing.. maybe she could grab some friends.. some big guys  to go help.

It took us a long time to watch it this afternoon.. but when we did the first thing I noticed was his bright pink and glittery Love4Jlk bracelet.. and then we watched him.. the announcer said it was like his brain checked out and his body just did what it had to do.. he looked like what I felt like during her eulogy. ..

pushed forward.

…type … erase… type …erase…

I feel so egotistical or like I am minimizing his training for a whole year that got him to this point.. I’m not .. I swear.. It’s just ..I don’t even know how to explain what I felt then watching it..

She is getting to experience so many things now.. she was there…beyond my psychosis ..she was there.. by him wearing her bracelet.. her initials.. her name, the only way I used to write it..my JLK.. she was there.

She got to experience being a winner.

..why am I crying so hard right now? I am so confused..

She would have been such a athlete .. a swimmer I think.. She loved it and had such a natural talent for it.

a winner. ..    why is that ripping me apart right now?

..because I couldn’t help her win this “battle” such crap she never stood a chance…because I will never get to see her feel that rush of victory and pride that comes with such hard work??. ..

I don’t know .. none of that seems to fit.

 

 

I found out tonight its happening in baseball too.. A kid (I am so old!) in college that plays for University of Washington and is doing really really well wrote JLK on his cap. Wearing it in his interviews too, she loved being in front of the camera for me, never got to do it big time before..JLK with Nicholas..showing her love of being filmed This is right up her alley.. t-ball was not her sport, but she loved being on a team and having people come out to support her. He is a friend of my nephew and godson, who is also Jennifer’s godfather.. This player isn’t doing it for me.. its for her godfather, she loved him so much and he loves her so much …it impacts those around him.. . The same impact meeting Jennifer seemed to have on people.. I guess we chose wisely.

is it because I lost??

Since I am letting all the crazy out I might as well go all the way. I have never met a obstacle I couldn’t overcome.. Never. Deep down I think  I can change things..

i can bring her back..

i can find a way to make this not real.

I know in my head I can’t.. well I don’t even know if its my head..but some pieces of me truly know it.. But there are some that have yet to catch up with that fact. Probably not even a lot of me.. but the deepest. truest. core of me thinks I can fix this.. I have to be able to.

I have always thought it. I tried to ready myself for it… but I truly believed she would be the first to survive. I would find a way.

I didn’t write last night.. I was busy holding my husband while he cried.. That is a truly helpless feeling.. This wonderful, strong man

decimated.

There bond was so strong. So unique. His first child. The one who made him a Daddy. So completely “Daddy’s little girl”.. as he was also” little girl’s Daddy”. 

We made yesterday a good day though.. no excuses this time when they asked for the bubble machine.. Just lots of bubbles.   Jonathan was playing with his cousin at the park, so just Nicholas and Charlotte.. at one point completely surrounded by bubbles Nicholas looked at me and then up.. so happy..so excited for her the way he has been lately whenever he talks about her.

“bubbles flying up to heaven”

He has such joy when he talks about it.. and about her. His struggle seems to more be focused on us hurting.. me, Tony and Jonathan. I wish I could see what I think he does.. experience her the way he says he is.

He saw a gold ribbon today and said it was Jennifer. It bothered me to think that he honestly connects his big sister.. the one that held him.. changed his diaper.. put on his shoes.. to an awareness ribbon. Tony took it to hope it might inspire him to be the one to find the cure.. to inspire the change that needs to happen. I let it inspire me. If thats a part of who she is to him now. ..

a gold ribbon…pediatric cancer..

Then it will be fuel to my fire to make a difference..  to spread the glitter.. person by person.. for her and for a piece of who she is to him.

Looking back on that moment now I also see how content he was seeing it and calling it Jennifer. Stark contrast to Jonathan who sternly corrected him. I did use that interaction to try to continue the conversation with Jonathan  explaining the non-profit.. what we are trying to accomplish and how it changes the landscape of our lives. .. Its a lot to absorb so its taking some time.

I want to try and follow my 2 yr old Nicholas’ lead a little… I think I will never have the joy in it for her like he does. . I am just too selfish to put her happiness, her being pain free above my own heart break. But maybe I can just watch it through him.. and really trust..

she is ok.

here.

happy.

winning.